How are vulnerable are you?

Sometimes I have to check myself against the normalness of others (if that makes any sense)

Dont get me wrong.  I have always danced to a different cadence and I aint about to change now..... but sometimes you just have to see how far out there are you.  I am pretty much out there by myself in so many things.

Well guys you know I suffered a major blow last week.  I had to deal with emotions that I was not accustomed to dealing with.  I had to realize that even I have a selfish nature....I was not ready to let go of my emotional crutch ....I felt is was too early.

What could I do.....The person that was holding my hand and carrying me into deep waters was gone.....He was gone on to a place that he needed to go to.  His was gone.  I believe it was short lived... I believe it ended early....I believe that he probably would have still been here had he taken better care of himself.  Nevertheless and no matter what I believe he was gone.   Better off....absolutely he is better off.... 
But what about me.
What am I suppose to do now. I am left with an incomplete assignment.
He taught me how to really look at me.  He taught me how to prepare myself for the things that I want to come into my life.
He was teaching me how to venture out with things like color, clothes, being complete, stop just jumping up and going and not caring but to take the time to prepare myself.  inside and outside.....He was teaching me to prepare myself to share my life with someone else.....i really was not (may still be not ) ready.
He left me and I began to feel differently.  I was first alone, that was one of the craziest feeling I had ever felt.  Not sure what I wanted to do.......But I had the sense to know that something new was happening to me.  I wanted human touch a hug, a kiss, someone to hold me.....you know all the stuff that most normal people want and need. 
What did I do.....I reached out and asked for it.  (that is new to me)  I received love from all the people who cared and I appreciated it.
I still had this void.  I continued my quest to find what I am looking for.  I reached out a few places.  but nothing worth my time of day....all along I am having these feelings that are so not like me.  I began to feel like people I would talk about.  I felt like I really needed somebody to hug, touch, talk, whatever.......I opened up doors I don't normally open and entertained thoughts I don't entertain.  I realize that I was vulnerabled. 
My guard was down.  My defense system had been injured and I did not have the protection I usually have.  ( I told myself okay this is normal, to feel like this, be like this.)  It may have been normal but it was not normal for me.  .....it did not go away.
I thank God that he is a keeper....Inspite of my feelings and my vulnerability he has kept me from possible danger from putting myself in harms way and getting caught up in situations and cir****tances that could really taint my witness and effect me as a person, a woman and a minister. 
Vulnerability .......This is a sneakly little monster that can cause you a lot of harm. 
I looked at the definitions of this word and it talked about  being setup for a physical or and emotional attack. susceptible to attacks, criticism....this is the one that got me ...liable to succumb to temptation....
I thought to myself.....OMG I am vulnerable in so many areas....
This is just not about loss, hormones, longing for human touch.....
This is about life in every area.  I have been attacked.... side swiped and I missed it.  this is where all the failure has taken place. 
I realized that I was vulnerable....I opened myself up for attack when I saw so much progress my first year out.  I thought I was safe....things were going so well.  4 years later
no goal, no goal in sight.  problems, cant stay motivated, cant keep things going like I should.  I motivate myself today and tomorrow I am back to the old program. 
I am a believer.....that you have to find the root of the problem in order to fix the problem.  bandages dont heal they cover, they protect but they dont heal.
I realize now more than ever I have got to receive the healing I need. 
I have got to rebuild my defenses Build back up my weak areas.... reinforced the areas that break down.

My eating (not enough) the wrong things  My water( getting it in repeatedly all day every day....routine....like clock work .... My supplements ......routinely not when I am inspired.....my exercise.....omg point blank and period.....the very hardest thing in life for me to do.    I probably have the willpower to be celibate the rest of my life or I could be in a room full of fine naked men and have my choice and never touch them....this would be easier than exercise.  Why? because it is the most torned down area in my life and the I really have to be build back up in this area.

Why am I saying all this because I realize I am not the only unsuccessful person on this board.  I realize that there are people who come here and lurk who are disgusted and feel like failures who cry because of weight gain or because of little or no weight loss....I am here to encourage you. We are in this together.... We have got to take alook at the areas where we are vulnerable and begin to build those areas and reinforce them.  This does not mean let the good areas be left unguarded we just have to bring balance to every area of our life.

Ask yourself how vulnerable are you?  Then sit back and listen to yourself be honest with you and show you (you).  I hope this has blessed or helped somebody....I know it helped me and I believe it was the Spirit of God that caused me to want to share it with you this morning.
God bless you.

Good Morning Di,

I just got my workout in today...reading this looooooooooooong post!

You needed to read it boo!  lol... I love you ....but you know that!

I want to while I have the opportunity, publicly acknowledge that I am thankful that God sent you into my life you are like my friend, sister and even my daughter and I love you very much and pray that God will meet you where you are and give you all the desires of your heart because you have truly been a blessing to me and you always tell me the truth.  I trust you with my life.

di

 I you too!

Thank you so much for this post!  I am vunerable and have been for so long. Thank you for being vunerable enough to share your struggle with us.  I want you to know that you are defnitely not alone.  I feel your pain and your anxiety about things happening in your life.  I know that you are a witness as to what God can do.  So, put your faith and trust in Him and He will see you through,  He will see me through.

May God Blessl You fully...

Kim

Thank you for my wonderful myspace comment yesterday.  You actually made me smile!  The kinda a smile you do alone...and it's so good for the soul, you know?



Thank you, darling!  

 

You are welcome and I mean every word....

OMG Pastor Di.................Pastor Di....................Pastor Di......................................it's all over you....I'm sitting here reading your post with chills, almost tears, and lots of emotion.................You said so very much in this post.......................and you said it well !    You are so on point it's not even funny.........Basically you're saying:  Hold Fast To God's Unchanging Hand....................To Everything there is a Season...........................and we are always in a spiritual battle............But God is still all of that !!!  

I've got to go get some kleenex........and regroup. 

 "I've been there.......done that" and got the T-shirt to prove it !!!

Di, we all struggle with something.  Anybody who claims differently is either a liar or self-delusional.  That's why we need God and we need other people who love us to lean on when it's too hard to handle stuff on our own.   You're going to be O.K. and you are not judged.